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In Honor of Marcie

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Marcie is my daughter’s step-mom, or as we say in our family, her second mom. We’ve never really referred to her as step-mother unless we were trying to describe the nature of her relationship in our family.

When my ex shared that he was going to get married, I knew that I’d need to meet his soon-to-be wife. My ex and I were actively co-parenting our daughter and his wife would be an important part of that.

I had met one of his girlfriends before, and I could always tell that she was uncomfortable around me and didn’t want to speak to me no matter how nice I was trying to be to her. Seemed very strange!

I was determined to welcome Marcie into my life with open arms. She had just moved to LA from another state and didn’t really know anyone. The kiddo was about eight years old then, and I just could not stand the thought of having a high-drama, contentious relationship with my ex and his new wife.

I can’t remember what I said exactly when we met but it was along the lines of: Marcie, I want you to know that I’m so grateful you and my daughter get along, and I’d like us be friends so that we can support each other as she grows up.

I remember telling her that the more people in my daughter’s life that love her, the better. And that I’d be here for her if she needed me. She had similar nice things to say and we were both relieved.

So that began our relationship. Over the years, we’ve gotten to know each other and have been able to talk about a lot of issues that have come up. She’s been there to help me out several times. At birthday parties, some of the other parents often asked if she was my sister because we got along so well. They were shocked (I mean jaw-dropping shocked) when I told them that she was “the step-mom.” They couldn’t understand how I would be ok with “the step-mom” in the picture. I wanted to yell at them that were just people being nice to one another and it’s not THAT big of a deal!

Many years ago, I had a home assignment to complete for my Master’s Degree. For part of it I asked my family to write a letter to me about what it’s been like having me in their life. Here is some of what Marcie wrote (shared with Marcie’s permission and we’d only known each for about three years then):

“I have always wanted children and you have this wonderful and beautiful little girl. Knowing you has shown me a different way of thinking. You’ve shown me that step-moms don’t have to be ‘evil.’ That mother and step-mother can share responsibilities and understand our child’s needs and she’s a lucky girl by having two moms that are different…You could’ve made my relationship with your daughter difficult, but you didn’t. I also have a friend in you. You’ve touched my life in a way that’s special.”

Marcie divorced last year and is moving back to her home state in a couple of weeks. When it was clear that divorce was going to happen, I sat on my daughter’s bed and we both cried. Having Marcie as a regular part of our lives has been a blessing.

So this is my love letter to you, Marcie. I know you’re going to read this because I’m going to send it to you!

I am so grateful for the years that you and I have been partners in raising our amazing young woman. I think we’ve done pretty well. I’m so grateful that we have created a friendship that is meaningful. You have been someone that I have been able to rely on – a rock. I’ve always felt reassured that our daughter was leaving my house and going to yours because I knew you would take good care of her like she was your own. I couldn’t have asked for a better second mom for my sweet girl. I’m sad that you’re moving. We will miss you terribly. I know that we’ll see each other and talk, but LA is losing an angel.

Thank you for all the ways that you’ve touched my life. I love you.

12 Comments

  1. Elana, this is as beautiful a reflection of your consciousness as it is of Marcie’s. What a blessing for all of you that you made this choice early on and Marcie got on board with it. The jackpot winner, of course, is your daughter.

  2. A beautiful tribute and another demonstration to your daughter of how we can choose to BE in this world. You and Marcie inspire!

  3. Elana,this moved me to tears. Marcie will be sorely missed. She ia a great person and I am so happy that she has been in my daughter’s life as well. Thank you for sharing this.

  4. All I can say Elana is Awesome!!!!! She will still be a part of both your lives even though she is moving because once someone has entered your heart, the way it sounds she has with you both, you will never lose her!!!!!!

    • So sweet of you, Beth. Thank you!

      • Elana… I looooved reading this. Your writing is so beautiful and so is this expression. I am going to share this. It is so powerful. I have had several second mom’s and dad’s in my life and have always appreciated the way my mom and dad related to them- saying that they too feel that the more people who love me and my brother, the better! I always felt that they were anomalies, and now I can see that they just made a really clear choice to love us deeply- just like you do and have done with your daughter. So sweet and amazing!

        • Wow, Aila, Thank you for your sharing and your kind words. I’m grateful that my experience is not unique. Love to you.

          • What a beautiful story! I’ve known Marcie since I was 13 and am one of the people that introduced her to ‘the ex’ and now I know why…YOU and ‘the kid’!! Marcie loves her with her WHOLE heart and doesn’t know how to do anything half way and I thank you for allowing her the chance to love and mentor ‘the kid’ as her own! Marcie is a reflection of her mother and anyone who has been touched by either of them is better for it! Beautiful words and proof that the ‘step mother’ and ‘mother’ can make it work!

          • Thank you for this and for your acknowledgment. Marcie certainly loves with her whole heart and it makes her special. We are so blessed to have her! 🙂

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