Sweet Moments

Sweet Moment: My In-Laws
by

Sweet Moment: My In-Laws

When I share with friends that my husband’s parents are coming to visit and that said parents are going to be staying with us, I usually see a look on their face that resembles something like pity mixed with a little horror.

My in-laws (isn’t there another word for that?) just left this morning after spending 10 days in our home, and it was a really fun and lovely time. I’m aware of how lucky I am that I get along with my husband’s parents and that they like me too!

When they visit, my father-in-law fixes whatever needs fixing and my mother-in-law does things like this around the house:

I’ll share an experience that’s really the essence of my relationship with those lovely people referred to as my in-laws. They live on the east coast, and we fly out to visit them every year and stay in their home. A couple of years ago, they pulled out all of their family-inherited china and dishes and heirlooms and arranged these pieces on their large dining room table. The spread was just beautiful.

Diana (my mother in-law) told me and Tracy (her daughter) that they were starting to downsize and clean out their home. She shared that we could pick out whatever pieces we wanted to keep. There was a Danish tea set from the 1800s, several delicate tea cups, beautiful plates, items they received from their parents, items received as gifts from their wedding…

I took a moment and just stood in front of this table taking it all in – taking in the significance of what was happening. Diana and her husband were including me in this amazing act of passing on their treasured family items. My perception of what was happening was that they saw me as part of their family – of course I married their son and am family but this was in a way that I hadn’t realized before. And I was able to participate in this sacred family moment.

This really meant a lot to me. My own family doesn’t have family items or heirlooms to pass along. I assume that my relatives in my parents’ home countries probably inherited anything that was meant to be passed down.

So being part of this experience with my husband’s family was deeply moving for me. There’s something powerful about receiving an item that has been passed down. And not because I received some beautiful antique pieces, but because I am loved that much.

Go Change Lives, Mom
by

Go Change Lives, Mom

“Go change lives, mom.”

That’s what my kiddo said to me the other day as my husband and I left for Madera, CA, to spend three days in a women’s prison.

This was a service project with 80+ other volunteers for the Freedom to Choose Foundation led by Drs. David and Bonnie Paul. For three days we teach and practice communication skills with the women and these skills are life-changing for them. They share with us how much they learn and how they use the skills with their fellow inmates and their families. (You can learn more about this on the FTC website freedomtochosefoundation.org. And watch these videos!)

But I’ll tell you what the secret ingredient is for these experiential workshops. It’s not just communication skills the women are getting from us. They are also getting our open hearts and our care and our loving attention.

When I first volunteered for FTC several years ago, I was afraid of going into a prison, of being around people who had committed murder, of the correctional officers, the watch towers and metal fences everywhere. The no bargaining for hostages policy was sobering. My fear lasted for all of three minutes as the inmates greeted me with gratitude, smiles, and hugs. What really struck me was how much the women in prison were yearning for connection, for someone to care. And not just the women – we completed our first workshop in a men’s prison last year, which was amazingly successful, and I experienced the same thing: people wanting someone to care.

This recent workshop was my fifth time volunteering for FTC and as I share about this with other people, I’m often asked the question, “Why do you go and spend your time doing this?”

How do I put into words what it feels like watching someone who has felt worthless their whole life and has made decisions based on that finally start to see that there actually is good inside of them, of watching their heart open to loving and care for the first time in years? Or perhaps the first time ever? To watch someone realize that they can make different choices and that they are worthy of love and kindness and can give that back to others. To hear a lifer say that even though she’s in prison she can start to be a better person to herself and those around her. In the men’s prison, one man said to me, “I come from the projects and I always thought that’s where I belonged. I’m realizing that I have other choices and that this is my designed community of caring people.” There are no words for how deeply moved I am to be part of this.

Sometimes people ask me if the inmates deserve it – the bigger question they are asking is do people in prison deserve us to treat them with loving, respect, and kindness and deserve to have a free self-improvement workshop given to them. That question is short-sighted.  And my short answer is yes. They’re doing their time, and, as one inmate put it, prison is hell. Some are paying reparations for their convictions. I met one woman who had been in prison for more years than I’ve been alive. And if they want to learn a new way to be and learn how to be better people and better citizens of our society, let’s help them do that.

The bottom line is that if people feel loved, if they feel good about themselves they will make different choices with their lives. It’s likely that a lot of these women will be paroled sometime in the future. Doesn’t it just make sense to give them tools that they can actually use to make their lives better when they’re out?

I hear their stories of repeated physical and sexual abuse, forced prostitution, neglect, betrayal and I understand why they wound up in prison. I’m not making excuses for them, and I’m not advocating emptying the prison system. My message here is one of understanding and empathy. The Freedom to Choose Foundation is proving that people in prison can make positive lasting changes in their lives.

This has easily been one of the most profound experiences of my life. If you’d like to help with real and lasting rehabilitation, check out the Freedom to Choose Foundation and donate or spread the word.

A Sweet Moment: Superman
by

A Sweet Moment: Superman

On the plane home after New Year’s, I sat next to a young man with his son sitting on his lap. The boy couldn’t have been more than two or three years old, and he was just adorable with his big cheeks.

They were looking through the airline Skymall magazine together to pass the time while we were delayed on the tarmac for 45 minutes. Dad pointed to the pictures in the magazine asking, “What’s that?” and his son called out what the pictures were with such enthusiasm in his barely understandable toddler speak. It was so darn cute that I chuckled each time.

Dad pointed to dogs, cats, cars, and many other items and the boy named each one with gusto.

They eventually came to the last page of the magazine, and I felt a twinge of disappointment that this exercise was coming to an end. I was really enjoying observing this gentle and caring exchange between father and son.

On the last page there was a picture of Superman. Dad asked his son, “Who’s that?” while pointing to the red-caped super hero.

The boy said, “Dad!”

Me and Dad laughed and he said, “No, that’s not me. Who is that?”

The boy insisted in his best English, “Dat’s you, Dad!”

Dad said, “OK” with a smile and moved on.

I was deeply moved. Hearing this comment from the young boy brought tears to my eyes. The way this child held such a strong and safe image of his father. I found myself thinking obviously his dad was Superman, because aren’t all dads Superman to us when we’re young?