teens

Why I give my money to FLYTE

I started traveling when I was very young, and visiting different cities and experiencing other cultures has made a lasting, positive impact on my life.

Because of this, one of my missions is to support others in growing and living a full life through travel and Nomadic Matt’s nonprofit called FLYTE allows me do this in a way that tangible and meaningful.

From their website:

“The Foundation for Learning and Youth Travel Education (FLYTE) is a nonprofit organization that empowers youth living in underserved communities through transformative travel experiences. Today’s education system provides very little in the way of global education, and many struggling schools and teachers have little or no opportunity to offer their students access to resources that can provide any type of experiential international education. FLYTE was created to change that.”

What FLYTE does aligns perfectly with two of my passions: seeing the world and making it a better place for everyone!

The most recent school they took on a trip was Victor School in rural Montana. I received an update about the trip via FLYTE’s newsletter and was deeply touched by how these students were changing inside and out. Most of the students had not ever been outside the U.S. and they made the brave trip out of their comfort zone to Guatemala. They learned about the local culture they visited, interacted with locals and engaged in volunteer work. Along the way, they learned about themselves too.

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The students have an opportunity to journal and reflect on their journey. They noticed that what they see on the news is not always accurate about other people and countries. (!!!!!!) They realized how little some people in other countries live with – like clean water, toilet paper, education, and much more. These students found gratitude for what they had back in the states and an new appreciation for the lives of people unlike them.

You can read the full post here. Please take the time to do so.

I just learned that the next school chosen will be from Oakland, CA, and they’ll travel to Colombia. I can’t wait to hear about how their trip unfolds, opens their hearts, and changes them in such a lovely way.

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I donate monthly to FLYTE because I see how it’s helping make the world a better place starting with these young folks. These kids will take their learnings and new-found enthusiasm for exploring back to their hometowns and will hopefully encourage others to open their minds to people who are different.

FLYTE recently featured me as part of their Donor Spotlight series. My spotlight is posted here if you want to hear more about why I love this organization.

I invite you to join me in contributing to the significant growth for these young people by setting up a monthly donation to FLYTE. It’s a wonderful way to keep this work going AND getting a tax deduction!

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The Privilege of Seeing Pain
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The Privilege of Seeing Pain

“I started sharing my pain with everyone,” is what one of my teenage clients said to me recently. What an interesting way to say this. Her words hung in the air.

They are simple and poetic. Significant.

Her words gave me a new context for what it means to “act out.”

When the pain inside became too much for her to bear, she started sharing it with others as a way of saying, “I’m here, and I need someone to care. I can’t handle this on my own.” She had a rough childhood, and she started doing all of the harmful things one can imagine a teenage girl doing to herself, including stealing and harming others.

Adults do this as well – share their pain. The person who abuses their spouse, the dad who can’t stop yelling at his children, the woman who drinks excessively and physically abuses.

We all have these moments of sharing our pain, everyone one of us. Our prisons are filled with people who were sharing a pain too great to hold in.

Is there anyone you can think of in your life that has been sharing their pain with you? Is there anyone in your life that you’ve been unconsciously sharing your pain with? Ask yourself if there’s anything that you can do or want to do about this to help. There may not be . . . and there may be.

I’m reminded of this tale that I read a long time ago. I don’t know if it’s true, but I like the essence of it. The piece that sticks out to me: “If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them. The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behaviour is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity.”

This teenager in front of me had forgotten who she was. That she had a well of good inside. After years of being given someone else’s misbeliefs and someone else’s pain, her real identity was buried.

What if we took the time to listen, care for, and show kindness to the people in front of us who share their pain instead of shame them, punish them, or incarcerate them? Might we be able to remind them of their goodness and their deep capacity for love?

Not easy, but worth a try.

In Honor of Marcie
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In Honor of Marcie

Marcie is my daughter’s step-mom, or as we say in our family, her second mom. We’ve never really referred to her as step-mother unless we were trying to describe the nature of her relationship in our family.

When my ex shared that he was going to get married, I knew that I’d need to meet his soon-to-be wife. My ex and I were actively co-parenting our daughter and his wife would be an important part of that.

I had met one of his girlfriends before, and I could always tell that she was uncomfortable around me and didn’t want to speak to me no matter how nice I was trying to be to her. Seemed very strange!

I was determined to welcome Marcie into my life with open arms. She had just moved to LA from another state and didn’t really know anyone. The kiddo was about eight years old then, and I just could not stand the thought of having a high-drama, contentious relationship with my ex and his new wife.

I can’t remember what I said exactly when we met but it was along the lines of: Marcie, I want you to know that I’m so grateful you and my daughter get along, and I’d like us be friends so that we can support each other as she grows up.

I remember telling her that the more people in my daughter’s life that love her, the better. And that I’d be here for her if she needed me. She had similar nice things to say and we were both relieved.

So that began our relationship. Over the years, we’ve gotten to know each other and have been able to talk about a lot of issues that have come up. She’s been there to help me out several times. At birthday parties, some of the other parents often asked if she was my sister because we got along so well. They were shocked (I mean jaw-dropping shocked) when I told them that she was “the step-mom.” They couldn’t understand how I would be ok with “the step-mom” in the picture. I wanted to yell at them that were just people being nice to one another and it’s not THAT big of a deal!

Many years ago, I had a home assignment to complete for my Master’s Degree. For part of it I asked my family to write a letter to me about what it’s been like having me in their life. Here is some of what Marcie wrote (shared with Marcie’s permission and we’d only known each for about three years then):

“I have always wanted children and you have this wonderful and beautiful little girl. Knowing you has shown me a different way of thinking. You’ve shown me that step-moms don’t have to be ‘evil.’ That mother and step-mother can share responsibilities and understand our child’s needs and she’s a lucky girl by having two moms that are different…You could’ve made my relationship with your daughter difficult, but you didn’t. I also have a friend in you. You’ve touched my life in a way that’s special.”

Marcie divorced last year and is moving back to her home state in a couple of weeks. When it was clear that divorce was going to happen, I sat on my daughter’s bed and we both cried. Having Marcie as a regular part of our lives has been a blessing.

So this is my love letter to you, Marcie. I know you’re going to read this because I’m going to send it to you!

I am so grateful for the years that you and I have been partners in raising our amazing young woman. I think we’ve done pretty well. I’m so grateful that we have created a friendship that is meaningful. You have been someone that I have been able to rely on – a rock. I’ve always felt reassured that our daughter was leaving my house and going to yours because I knew you would take good care of her like she was your own. I couldn’t have asked for a better second mom for my sweet girl. I’m sad that you’re moving. We will miss you terribly. I know that we’ll see each other and talk, but LA is losing an angel.

Thank you for all the ways that you’ve touched my life. I love you.

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A Question That Will Change Your Life

I was sitting with a teenage client of mine supporting him through a tough situation at home that will likely not change in the near future.

I find one of the most frustrating things about having teens and children for clients is that as much work we do in the therapy room, their life situation usually doesn’t change much without significant parental involvement. And that doesn’t happen often.

So, I see my job with my teen clients as teaching them skills that they can use to handle their situations now in a way that supports them in healing and growing into caring and self-reflective adults.

In most cases the teen wants his outer situation to change – it won’t. He wants to move out – he can’t right now. He wants things to be different than they are – not going to happen any time soon.

Knowing this, my only leverage is with him. The leverage always exists inside of my client.

I used to ask my clients, “What’s the lesson for you here.” This sometimes leads teens to say things like, “Not to trust anyone” or “That my parents suck.” Not really the direction I’m wanting to guide them in.

So instead, I recently asked one of my teen clients, “How can you use this situation to make you a better person?”

(I use the phrase “better person” here intentionally. Some people reading this won’t like the word “better” because it may imply that this teen is not fine the way he is now. I believe we all seek to improve ourselves in some way, and I want him to see clearly that he has choices to lead a life full of positive possibilities if  he wants. He has a choice. I want him to know that he can take this really crappy situation and learn something useful from it.

He stared at me and didn’t know what to say. There was no room for him to be dismissive about what I’ve asked, and my question prevents us from going into a negative spiral that isn’t supportive to healing.

I know how I’d answer this question for him. I see all kinds of ways that he can use what he’s going through to learn, grow, and heal himself. But I stay quiet.

He responds after thinking about this for a long while, and we proceed to have a very rich and meaningful conversation about his responsibility for his life and his feelings.

How can you use this situation to make you a better person?

A variation on this question is “What can you learn from this situation to make you a better person?”

Going forward, whatever happens in my life, I’m going to ask this question of myself and move ahead with healing.

This is my challenge for you as well.